Special K 442 Report post Posted January 29, 2015 A silly old s*d called McBride fell into a cesspit and died A day later his brother, same thing.. - silly b*gger. So now they're interred side by side :rolleyes: 1 Qu1ckn1ck reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted February 8, 2015 The Grim Reaper camce for me last night and I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death... My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so to the local pet shop and they were £70 !! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.. Statistically 6 out of seven dwarfs are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 this morning. Can you believe it - 2.30am!! Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.. Paddy says "Mick, I'm t'inking of buying a Labrador". "Blow dat" says Mick "have you seen how many of dere owners go blind?" The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "she's going through the change.." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that thety wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilkot was a woman. What a pair of sexists - I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing... Murphy says to Paddy "What'ya talking into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail, ya thick eejit!" Just got back from my mate's funeral - he died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.. Finally... A teddy bear is working on a building site, comes back from his tea break to find that his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "oh, I forgot to tell you.. "... today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.." 4 Polishingpedlar, Sideways?, Keethos and 1 other reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Qu1ckn1ck 44 Report post Posted March 1, 2015 When I was young I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters P N E I S and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered "spine" are doctors today..........While the rest of us are sending jokes to online car forums 4 Omer86, adam, Sideways? and 1 other reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rob275 1817 Report post Posted March 2, 2015 Guess I need to start writing jokes then! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Qu1ckn1ck 44 Report post Posted March 27, 2015 Secrets to a Happy Marriage1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.and MOST important...4. It is important that these three women never meet. 6 Keethos, Sideways?, JamesP1991 and 3 others reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GTB 53 Report post Posted March 27, 2015 The Irish have sent a rocket to the sun. Dublin scientists have calculated it will be quite hot so they`ve set off at night. Africa has diamonds, Ireland has potatos........well Ireland had first choice 5 Mark-in-Stoke, Omer86, Qu1ckn1ck and 2 others reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted April 2, 2015 I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me....... My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said... " Get that trolley over here, love. They're doing 18 cans of Black Label for the price of 12.." Spec K 2 Sideways? and Qu1ckn1ck reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Galaxian 6 Report post Posted April 11, 2015 warning! 1) it's funny 2) it's catchy, you might sing it out loud https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_5uVdy5YmA enjoy 2 Special K and Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted April 12, 2015 A German lorrry driver in a Newcastle pub is gobbing off about how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days. This old Geordie man mutters "Ah, way-ay, man.... I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day" The gobby German trucker retorts " Oh ja? vot rig were you driving zen? Scania, Mercedes, vot? After taking a long swig of his pint of Newcastle Brown Ale the old fella replies : " Naw, man ......... a Lancaster ! " 3 Quixote, Qu1ckn1ck and nikndel reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GTB 53 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 REmoved by Admin as we will not tolerate racism on the forum. My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world. "Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him. "I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied. "Only costs me a grand a week." "A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?" I asked. "Profanity removed by ADMIN. That's his problem." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GTB 53 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 Did you hear about the Irish Kamikaze pilot ? just returned from his 13th successful mission Or the Irish test pilot who crashed flying the new Apache Attack helicopter ? All was going well until at 4,000ft he felt it was a bit chilly so turned the fan off Or the Jewish Kamikaze pilot who crashed his plane in his brothers scrapyard ? Mummy, mummy why is Daddy running ? shut up and keep shooting.... Mummy, mummy what`s for dinner ? shut up and get back in the oven.... Mummy, mummy I hate my sisters guts, that`s OK dear, leave them at the side of the plate Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lauren 2259 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 4 people on a train, Englishman, Pakistani, old lady & a very fit blonde with extraordinarily large tit's. They go into a tunnel & hear a very loud slap! When they come out the Pakistani's rubbing his face, the old lady thinks... 'I bet he tried touching the blonde & got slapped!' blonde thinks, 'I bet he tried touching me & got the old lady instead'. Englishman thinks, 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that fuckin Pakistani again' An English bloke walked into a book shop in Bradford and asked, "Have you got the latest book by Nigel Farage?" The Pakistani owner looked at him aghast and replied, "Why don't you just fuck off?" The English bloke replied, "Yeah, that's the one." Racism will not be tolerated on the forum. 1 Special K reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GTB 53 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 So why have you not deleted all the Irish jokes on here Lauren posted not just by me ? Please explain. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lauren 2259 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 You are right Geoff, I'm sorry for targetting you, I was just appalled at what I was reading. It's not just you either, so I am sorry, but I really feel we need to review what is acceptable to be posted on here and especially so in respect of this thread. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GTB 53 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 Not a problem, thank you for clarification, apology gratefully received and I fully understand your position. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rob275 1817 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 There is a line really, of the jokes i've read about the irish. Not particularly racist in my opinion. I can see them as the jokes they are. It's probably worth noting that we do have muslims in the club, it could be seen as offensive. Though i'm sure your intentions weren't to be racist Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ztox 230 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 Lauren, not sure if you've noticed, you appear to have removed Geoff's jokes from his post but they are still in the post where you are quoting him I think that if you're taking the piss out of people or whatever, it's all on the same level. White, black, German, Irish, Asian, American, Jewish etc. If one isn't allowed, I don't think any of them should be 1 GTB reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rob275 1817 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 Lauren, not sure if you've noticed, you appear to have removed Geoff's jokes from his post but they are still in the post where you are quoting him I think that if you're taking the piss out of people or whatever, it's all on the same level. White, black, German, Irish, Asian, American, Jewish etc. If one isn't allowed, I don't think any of them should be *Makes joke about people from essex* 1 nikndel reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JamesP1991 222 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 Oi! We don't all act like those tossers on TOWIE! haha 2 nikndel and rob275 reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rob275 1817 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 oh em gee, that's so cringe! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 Oi! We don't all act like those tossers on TOWIE! haha Speak for yourself.... As the (major) contributor to this particular thread I take particular care to avoid racist, sexist or sectarian comment. If I have inadevertently offended anyone by doing so I, too, apologise. Also I avoid swearing - or at least I 'asterisk' it - any joke that relies on it should be consigned to a Jongleurs stand-up comic, not an open Forum. Spec K Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lauren 2259 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 Lauren, not sure if you've noticed, you appear to have removed Geoff's jokes from his post but they are still in the post where you are quoting him I think that if you're taking the piss out of people or whatever, it's all on the same level. White, black, German, Irish, Asian, American, Jewish etc. If one isn't allowed, I don't think any of them should be Yeah I did know I was posting it. But yes, it does beg the question that if one isn't allowed then neither should the others, I agree on that. The trouble is such jokes are made on stereotypes which is problematic in itself and whether it's an old steretype or a newer one doesn't make it any better. The problem is all the time we make jokes like this we reinforce prejudice and therein lies the problem. Not only that but we demonstrate our ignorance. We live in a multicultural community and I would be appalled to think that a member is offended because of their religion, race, sexuality or for some other reason after seeing something posted on here. This community is for all and we welcome anyone, so we can't allow jokes that poke fun at minorities especially so if we are in the majority. 1 Special K reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ztox 230 Report post Posted April 16, 2015 *Makes joke about people from essex* Londoners... lol Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Qu1ckn1ck 44 Report post Posted April 17, 2015 1 GTB reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Omer86 40 Report post Posted April 18, 2015 Im not offended, by jokes...for example stand up comedians like Michael Mcintyre, i would not go to a show and be offended by a particular joke because it plays on the premise of a stereotype. Same sort of rule here really, its a thread about jokes so should just be a laugh. I do however very much appreciate what you are trying to do by making sure no one is singled out just because they belong to a minority! 1 nikndel reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
