Special K 442 Report post Posted June 30, 2014 I met a fairy today,,, asked me to wish for something.. " I want to live forever" I said.. "Sorry" said the fairy, "I cannot grant that wish, it's out of my hands.." "Okay.." I said ".. then I want to live until England wins the World Cup" " You crafty bastard" said the fairy.. Spec K 1 Sideways? reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted July 12, 2014 Fed up with 'emoticons'? How about some 'arsicons' - (_!_) a regular arse (__!__) a fat arse (!) a tight arse (_*_) an arse hole {_!_} a swishy arse (_o_) an arse that's been around (_x_) kiss my arse (_zzz_) a tired arse (_E=mc2_) a smart arse (_$_) money coming out of his arse (_?_) a dumb arse You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 friends within the next hour - they'll be laughting their arses off... Spec K Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CHOSENMAN007 81 Report post Posted July 16, 2014 Keith. We need a pint together Lol you wild man. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted July 30, 2014 A man received the following text from his neighbour - " I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home but that's no excuse. I can no .longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies with my promise that it won't, ever, happen again." The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead. A few moments later, a second text arrived - "Bloody autospell. I meant 'wifi' not 'wife'...." Spec K Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rab 60 Report post Posted August 3, 2014 A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive" "Shoot it!" says the farmer, "and then bury it!" ....about 20mins later he gets another call... "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?".... 3 rob275, Sideways? and Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rab 60 Report post Posted August 3, 2014 My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!! 1 Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted August 14, 2014 Text from my grandson - < Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said "fried chicken" She said I wasn't funny but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. Grandad, you told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told Dad what happened and he reckons that my teacher is probably a member of the RSPCA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the Headmasters Office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then told me not to do it again.. Next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite LIVE animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the Headmaster's Office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. Grandad, I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her "Colonel Sanders" Guess where the f**k I am now... > Spec K 3 Keethos, Omer86 and Rab reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted August 21, 2014 Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Gravel Switch, Kentucky - (Reporter): "Can you give us some tips for reaching the age of 100, Hattie Mae?" (Hattie) : "For better digestion I drink beer" "In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine" "For low blood pressure I drink red wine" "High blood pressure calls for scotch" "And when I have a cold I drink schnapps" Reporter: "When do you drink water?" Hattie: "I've never been that sick..." Spec K 2 Keethos and Sideways? reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted August 31, 2014 Points to ponder... I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back All those who believe in psycho kineses, raise my hand I almost had a psychic girlfriend..... but she left me before we met Okay, so what's the speed of dark? When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines I intend to live forever..... So far, so good.. What happens if you're scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.." The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you And finally, If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? Spec K 2 Sideways? and KevinA reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted September 3, 2014 A few for JAE - My wife told me - "Sex is better on holiday". That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.. My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.. My wife has been missing for a week now. The police told me to prepare for the worst, so I've got all her clothes back from the charity shop.. I was expelled from school. In the school play I completely misunderstood the stage direction - "Enter Ophelia from behind" My neighbour is half-American and half-Iraqi. He's his own worst enemy.. Mother-in-law came in with a duck under her arm. I said "What are you doing with that cow?". She said "It's not a cow, it's a duck!" I said "I'm talking to the duck". The missus hasn't spoken to me for a week and all because I didn't open the car door for her. I panicked and swam to the surface... Every morning for the last week a German shepherd has come and crapped on my front lawn. He did it again today and this time he brought his dog as well.. Spec K 1 Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted September 3, 2014 Brains working? Figure this one out.. What do these seven words have in common? - 1. Banana 2. Dresser 3. Grammar 4. Potato 5. Revive 6. Uneven 7. Assess Give it another try... look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer... (No -it is not that thy all have double letters...) SpecK Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rob275 1817 Report post Posted September 3, 2014 They are all english Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mike 458 Report post Posted September 3, 2014 I'm going with they're all palindromes if you remove the first letter Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted September 4, 2014 You're not far off Mike - if you put the first letter at the end of the word they spell the same backwards.. Spec K Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mike 458 Report post Posted September 4, 2014 Same thing! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted September 4, 2014 You didn't replace the letter at the end... nil pwant.... Spec K Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mike 458 Report post Posted September 4, 2014 Got to be at least half a point surely?! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted September 5, 2014 Okay Mike - I'll give you half a point... .... but only if you stop calling me Shirley.... Spec K Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted September 15, 2014 As a bagpiper I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be in a pauper's cemetary in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods I got lost and, being a typlcal man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt very bad and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looke down - the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do so I started to play.. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather round. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I payed liek I've never played before... And, as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. Our keen, heartfelt sorrow was evident to behold.. When I finished, and those wonderful emotional chords echoed through the trees, I packed away my pipes and headed for my car.. as I opened the door to my car I heard one of the workers murmur "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.." Spec K 1 Qu1ckn1ck reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted October 22, 2014 My daughter is getting married next year... https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713 Spec K Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted October 30, 2014 The Washington Post's MENSA Invitational once again invited readers to take any work from the dictionary. alterit by addind, subtracting or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the winners - Cashtration - The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time Ignoranus - A person who is both stupid and an asshole Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with Reintarnation - Coming back to life as a hillbilly Bozone - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating Foreploy - Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid Giraffiti - Vandalism spray-painted very, very high Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it Inoculatte - To take coffee intravenously when you are running late Osteopornosis - a degenerate disease (This one got extra credit) Karmageddon - It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.. Decafalon - the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you Glibido - all talk and no action (hehe..) Dopeler Effect - the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly Beelzebug - Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out Caterpallor - The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the apple you're eating And, finally, one for Rob275 - Arachnoleptic Fit - The frantic dance performed just after you've walked through a spider web.. Spec K 2 Keethos and keelerad reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted November 9, 2014 WARNING! This is a public service announcement Due to the rising frquency of human-lion encounters the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Inhambane Precinct, Moxambique, is advising hikers, humters, fishermen and any motorcyclists that use the outdoors for recreational or work-related functions to take extra precautions whilst in the bush. We recommend that all outdoorsmen wear little noisy bells on clothing in order to give advance warning to any lions in the vicinity. We also recommend anyone who freqently inhabits the rural areas to carry 'Pepper Spray' with him/her in case of an encopunter with a lion Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity and be able to tell the difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit. Lion cub shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and dassie fur. Big lion shit is larger, has bells in it and smells like pepper... Rnjoy your stay in Moxambique.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted November 13, 2014 I just pass 'em on.... don't shoot the messenger... Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him - " Do you want the winner of the next race?". Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard.." Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick - "What if one explodes before we get dere?" Paddy - "We'll lie and tell 'em we only found two.." A coachload of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.... the driver won £52... Joe says to Paddy - " Close your curtains the next time you're making love to the missus. Paddy. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday" Paddy says " Well, the joke's on them because Oi wasn't even at home yesterday.." Paddy to k - "Christmas is on a Friday this year, Mick". Mick replies "Let's hope it's not the 13th..." The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They've imported 50 million tons of sand from Saudi Arabia and they're going to drill for their own oil.. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and finds him dancing naked in front of his Massey Ferguson. Mick says "Oi, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy replies " Well, me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.." Spec K 3 Keethos, Polishingpedlar and Sideways? reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted December 26, 2014 Santa is a Yorkshireman Of this I'm fairly sure I heard him tiptoe in my room at roughly ten to four.. "I 'ope tha's fast asleep" he said "..or tha'll get nowt my lad" He smelled of Hi Karate (must've pinched it from ma Dad) Just down stairs I'd left a treat Santa loves a beer He loves pork pies and single malt That was Dad's idea When I woke next morning I ran down stairs to see if Santa had been kind enough to leave gifts under t'tree He got our Mam a nightie and a pair of china pigs Our Dad got socks and undies and 200 Park Lane cigs. Ma sister got a Barbie sat on a plastic horse A 'One Direction' album which she loved of course When I unwrapped my parcels My Yorkshire heart did sing Each gift that Santa gave me A truly wondrous thing A flat cap for my noggin A vest of finest string The ferret keepers Handbook Each gift fit for a king So thank you Santa, thank you Each wish you aim to fix so can you please makes next years gift a GT86... Spec K 1 Omer86 reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
