Smile time

[Special K 442]

Nescafe chief finally gets an audience with the new Pope..

 

"Your Holiness - we would like to donate 100million Euros to the Church"

 

"A gracious gift" says Pope Francis, nodding benevolently..

 

"Err, we would like you to change one word in your Liturgy - Lords Prayer - from ".. give us this day our daily bread"   to ".. give us this day our daily coffee.."

 

"I am sorry my son" says he Pope " .. this is the Lord's words and cannot be changed.."

 

"Holiness" says Nescafe, ".. we anticipated reluctance on the Church's part. May I increase the offer to 300million Euros, if you will change the word..?"

 

Francis smiled benevolently. "My son... beloved of the Church.. you must understand that the word of the Lord is sacrosanct. It cannot be changed.."

 

Nescafe - "My spiritual Leader and Leader of my daily devotions... our 'Liturgy' was translated off ancient Aramaeic hologryphs, then into Latin. No way can we verify or justify 'bread' as the translation .... "

 

"... our final offer - 500million Euros.That's HALF A BILLION EUROS. Every year. Please will you consider our offer..?" and he left..

 

Pope calls a Convocation of the Vatican and all the Bishops turn up..

 

"Holy Brothers - I have good news and bad news" says Pope Francis..

 

".. the good news is that we will be receiving half a billion Euros into the Vatican coffers.."

 

 

"What's the bad news?" as Bishop Abernathy.

 

 

 

 

 

" We will be losing the Hovis account..."

 

 

 

Spec K

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Special K 442]

Fatrab was testing children in his Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

 

He asked them "If I sold my house and my car (sob), had a big jumble sale and gave all my my money to the church, would that get me to heaven?"

 

"NO!" the children answered..

 

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed and weeded the graveyard and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

 

Again, the answer was "NO!"

 

By now he was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"

 

Again they all chorused "NO!"

 

Fetrab was just bursting with pride for them..

 

He continued "Then how can I get into heaven?"

 

 

 

A six-year old boy shouted "Yuv got tae be f**king deid.."

 

 

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

 

 

Spec

[Special K 442]

My mate was woken up last Friday morning (Valentines Day) by his wife digging him in the ribs...

 

"... Yes, my love?" he blearily asked..

 

" When you first married me you always used to hold my hand when you woke up"... she said..

 

... so he held her hand and started to snooze...

 

..only to be aroused by another dig in the ribs..

 

" Yes, my darling?"... he asked again...

 

"... and when we first got married you used to kiss me every morning when you woke up.." she complained..

 

...so he leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.... turned over to go back to sleep..

 

.. .another elbow in the ribs...

 

" What is it, angel?" he asked..

 

"... and every Valentines Day you used to nibble my neck..."

 

So he threw the bedclothes off and padded off to the bathroom...

 

"Where are you going?" she asked...

 

 

" To put my teeth in" he replied...

 

 

Spec K

 

Spec K

[rob275 1817]

lmao

[Keethos 842]

I was thinking it was going to go a different route there....something a lot more....explicit 

[Special K 442]

Don't you just love the Irish sense of humour...?

 

These are examples of genuine chalkboard signs found outside pubs in Oireland....

 

 

" Soup Of The Day = The Tears Of Your Enemies "

 

 

" Has you dog died? Worried about the size of your penis? Found out your husband's gay? Starting to find animals attractive? You can numb these problems temporarily with the help of... BOOZE! Remeber, the more you drink the less you worry.. "

 

 

" Buy ONE BEER for the price of TWO and receive a second beer ABSOLUTELY FREE !  "

 

 

"  The Perfect Martini = 1. Pour gin, vermouth and olives into the trash where they belong  2. Drink 'WHISKEY'. Bar is open. "

 

 

"  FREE BEER.... TOPLESS BAR STAFF....  FALSE ADVERTISING....  "

 

 

"   Come in and meet the future ex-wife  "

 

 

"  UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL BE GIVEN ESPRESSO AND A FREE KITTEN  "

 

 

"  Something witty and thought-provoking  (that's what my boss told me to write on the chalkboard)  "

 

 

"     <-----  BOOZE   FOOD   FUN !         REAL LIFE   ------->     "

 

 

"   I DISTRUST CAMELS   ( + ANYONE ELSE WHO CAN GO A WEEK WITHOUT A DRINK )    "

 

 

"   FREE AIR GUITAR WITH EVERY PINT   "

 

 

"  Alcohol and calculus do not mix.... so don't drink and derive...   "

 

 

"  CARLSBERG £1.64 - Helping ugly people have sex since 1864  "

 

 

"   We've got some lovely local crabs... and we're itching to pass them ON !   "

 

 

 

My favourite?....

 

 

"   JOKES ABOUT GERMAN SAUSAGE ARE THE WURST   "

 

 

Spec K

[Rab 60]

<<chuckle>> 

 

Like the unattended kids one   

[Special K 442]

A useful guide to SMS text acronyms for those of advancing years...

 

ATD:               At the Doctors

BFF:               Best Friend Fell

BTW:              Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT:             Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW:            Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL:         Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA:              Got Heartburn Again

IMHO:             Is My Hearing-aid On

LMDO:           Laughed My Dentures Out

OMMR:          On My Massage Recliner

OMSG:          Oh My! Sorry, Gas....

TTYL:            Talk To You Louder

ROFLACGU:  Rolling On Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

[Special K 442]

The FBI were trying to recruit an assasin, finally shortlisted it to three - two men and a woman..

 

Final test... one by one they were taken into a room with a metal door facing them. FBI gave them a loaded gun and explained "In that room is your partner. Kill!"

 

First guy said "No way can I kill my wife!", gave back the loaded gun and was given the heave-ho by the FBI

 

Second guy goes into the adjoining room with the loaded gun. Silence for five minutes and he comes out with tears in his eyes "There's no way I can kill her!" he wails, gives back the gun and is shown the exit.

 

Finally the woman gets her chance. She goes into the adjoining room, shots are heard, followed by crashing and banging, shouts and screams... finally she emerges drenched in sweat and says...

 

 

"... the gun was loaded with blanks.. so I had to kill him with the chair.."

[Special K 442]

A man walked out of Oxford Circus underground and caught a taxi just going by.

 

He got into the taxi and the cabbie said "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian.."

 

Passenger "Who?"

 

Cabbie  "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along the exact moment you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian, every single time"

 

Passenger  "There are always a few clouds over everybody.."

 

Cabbie  " Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.. he could golf with the top pros.. broke lap records in F1... sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

 

Passenger  " Sounds like he was something really special"

 

Cabbie  " There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everyone's birthday. He knew all about wine, which food to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything... not like me, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right"

 

Passenger  " Wow. Some guy then"

 

Cabbie " He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong... his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! Never made a mistake, no-one could ever measure up to Brian.."

 

Passenger  "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie  "Well, I never actually met Brian, he died. I'm married to his bl**dy widow...."

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

My son and his wife took my grandson, Marcus (aged 3 yrs) to the Natural History Museum today. Whilst on the underground a lady, also with a young child, got chatting with them and asked Marcus what he was looking forward to seeing..

 

 

"Grandad" he said....

 

 

Hrrmph  (this is true, by the way...)

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

A woman walked in an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her year end accounts and tax return.

 

So I asked ^w  the accountant says "Before we begin I'll need to ask you a few questions.." He gets her name, address etc. and then asks " What's your occupation?"

 

"I'm a prostitute" she replies

 

The accountant, somewhat taken aback, says "Let's try to rephrase that"

 

The woman says "OK, I'm a high-end call girl"

 

"No, that still won't work. Try again"

 

They both think for a minute... then the woman says "I'm an elite poultry farmer"

 

The accountant asks "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

 

" Well, I raised a few hundred c*cks last year..."

 

"Poultry farmer it is...."

 

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a US Marine walked the entire length of the coaches looking for a seat before realising the only seat available was currently occupied by a poodle, belonging to a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman..

 

The weary Marine asked "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

 

The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular "Americans are so rude... my little Fifi is using that seat"

 

"Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I am very tired.."

 

She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"

 

This time, without saying a word, the Marine simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window and sat down.

 

The woman shrieked " C'est trop! Someone, defend my honour !  This American needs to be horse-whipped!" 

 

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand... and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road... and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window..."

 

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

Patrick and Murphy are chatting over a pint of Guiness

 

Patrick said to Murphy " A strange thing happened at home last night.."

 

Murphy enquires " And what was that, Patrick?"

 

Patrick - " The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer "

 

Murphy - " So what did you tell her?"

 

Patrick - " I told her I was looking for cheap flights."

 

Murphy - " So what did she say about that?"

 

Patrick - " She said she loved me, threw me on the floor and we had the most amazing sex.."

 

Murphy - " Bejasus! I'll bet that surprised you, Pat! "

 

Patrick - " That it did, Murphy.. that it did. She's never shown the remotest interest in darts before.."

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

Sid the farmer was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a new BMW advanced towards him in a cloud of dust..

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Rayban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the farmer " If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

 

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers "Sure, why not.."

 

Yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cellphone and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds into another NASA satellite that scans the area into an ultra-high resolution photo. He then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image-processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

 

Within seconds he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. So he accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes gets a response.

 

Finally he prints out a full-colour 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturised HP Laser Jet printer, turns to the farmer and says

" You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves ".

 

"That's right" says Sid. "Well, I guess you can take one of my calves"

 

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the back of his car.

 

Then Sid says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay, why not.."

 

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government" says Sid, withouit hesitation.

 

"Wow! That's correct" says the yuppie " but how did you guess that..?"

 

"No guessing required" answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you : you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You use millions of £-worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are : and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.... this is a herd of sheep..."

 

" Now give me back my f***ing dog!"

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

One for the less-than-politically-correct...

 

Look up 'How not to throw a hand grenade' in Google and follow the Telegraph thread...

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

Murphy, a furniture dealer, decided to expand the range of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

 

After arriving in Paris he visited some manufcturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back at home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

 

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

 

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisien girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

 

He tried to speak with her in English but she did not speak the language. After a couple of minutes trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered her a glass of wine.

 

After sitting at the table together for a while, he took another napkin, drew a picture with a plate of food on it and again she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

 

They ordered dinner, after which Murphy took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the the band was packing up.

 

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed....

 

 

... to this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business...

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

An elderly TSS competitor, having finished his timed runs, walks into the Clubhouse restaurant and espies the menu -

 

" Tea - £1 / Coffee - £2 "

" Beefburger - £3.50 "

" Cheeseburger - £4.00"

" Chicken Sandwich - £4.50 "

" Very Personal Massage - £100 "

 

He carefully checks his wallet to ensure he has enough money, then makes his was to the counter where a young, curvaceous and scantily clad female glides over to him and, with a sexy knowing smile says " Can I serve you, sir?"

 

The old driver leans over the bar and whispers " I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the 'very personal massage' around here?"

 

She looks into his wrinkled old eyes and with a wide smile purrs " Yes sir, I sure am...."

 

So he leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly -

 

"Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.."

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the carnal delights you enjoy...

 

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes...

 

Sex with your wife/husband - Legal & General

 

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

 

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

 

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

 

Sex with a partner of generous proportions - More Than

 

Sex on the back seat of her GT86 - Sheila's Wheels

 

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged

 

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

 

Sex with your maid - Employers Liability

 

Sex with an OAP - Saga

 

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

 

Sex with a kilted Highland lassie - Scottish Widows

 

Sex with a kilted Highland laddie - confused.com

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking "Surely I can't look that old..?"

 

You may like this...

 

' My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the Waiting Room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his Diploma on the wall which bore his full name..

 

Suddenly I remembered a tall, slim, handsome, dark-haired boy of the same name had been in my High School some 30-odd years before... could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then..?

 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply line face and pot belly was way too old to have been my classmate.

 

After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School..

 

"Yes, yes I did - I was in Mildmay House!". He gleamed with pride..

 

"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered "In 1975.... why do you ask?"

 

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely... then that

 

UGLY,   OLD,   BALD,   WRINKLED,   FAT ARSED,  GREY HAIRED,   DECREPIT,   SON-OF-A-BITCH

 

asked

 

 

 

 

 

"What did you teach ???"

[Subota Boy 402]

:D

[Special K 442]

The EU Commisioners, not content with getting rid of lbs, bushels, yards, feet and inches, have now introduced legislation banning our coinage...

 

... it's no longer acceptable to describe an essential visit  as 'spending a penny..'

 

.. in future please refer to 'euronating'.... 

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

One day teacher was talking about marriage in class...

 

" Johnny, what kind of wife would you like?"

 

" Miss, I wanna wife like the moon.."

 

"Wow! What a choice!.... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?"

 

"No Miss. I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning.."

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

..for the ladies..

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

 

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he shouted to me "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 

"It depends" I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 

He yelled back "Liverpool"

 

And they say blondes are dumb....

 

                                  -o0o-

 

A couple are laying in bed...

 

... the man says "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

 

... the woman replies "I'll miss you..."

 

                                   -o0o-

 

What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name?

 

You did not hold the pillow down long enough..

 

 

                                   -o0o-

 

 

Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

 

It helps them remember which end to wipe..

 

 

                                  -o0o-

 

How do you keep your man from reading your emails?

 

Re-name the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

 

 

 

Spec K

[Special K 442]

Tired of being broke, unable to buy a GT86 and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a husband decided to solve his problems by cashing in on a large insurance policy taken out on his wife's life by arranging her demise..

 

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious (dark-side?) underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'. He explained his going price for a spouse-snuff was £10grand..

 

Hubbie explained that, whilst willing to pay, he would not have the cash until he collected the insurance money. The hit man insisted on being paid something up front, so the husband opened his wallet, displaying a single pound coin therein.. the prospective murderer sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the nugget as down payment for the dirty deed.

 

A few days later Artie followed the man's wife into the local Aldi store. There, he surprised her and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands...

 

As the unuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the Aldi produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. As you can imagine, our Artie was unwilling to leave witnesses to his dastardly crime behind, so he had no choice but to strangle this poor unfortunate as well...

 

However... unknown to Artie the entire proceedings were recorded on cctv and the store's security guard immediately called the police... Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises! Under judicial interrogation (boots, clubs and 240volts to the unmentionables) Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested..

 

 

The next day, in the Sun newspaper the headline declared...

 

 

 

 

 

 

"  ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1 at ALDI  "

 

 

(.. picks self up from floor...)

 

 

Spec K