Special K 442 Report post Posted April 19, 2015 Some of Jeremy Clarkson's best quotes - Bentley Continental GT's suspension adjustability - " It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm" BMW Z3 - "And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car" Ferrari F430 - "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all" Chevvy Corvette ZO6 - "In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun to live with every day" Nissan Almera - "Telling people at a dinner party that you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze" Renault Espace - "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about - it's like saying 'Oooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases" Porsche Cayenne - " I've seen better looking gangrenous wounds that this" Renaul Clio V6 handling bends - "In typical French fashion it gives up! A bit like the French did with the Germans" Suzuki Wagon R - "You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. Yo avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite" Lotus Elise - "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory" Toyota Camry - "Whenever I'm suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of the Camry and I'm straight off" 4 seater convertibles - "The only person ever to look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler" Nuclear submarines - " Britain's nucelar submarines have been deemed unsafe.... probably because they don't have wheelchair access" Bus Lanes - "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?" Front Wheels - "asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170hp is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling penguins.. whilst making love... to a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage.. in front of the Queen. It'a all going to go wrong" Toyota GT86 - "This car is so much fun, you can drift it while reading a book. Look, I'm showing you.." Spec K 2 Qu1ckn1ck and Omer86 reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Qu1ckn1ck 44 Report post Posted April 24, 2015 3 Ztox, Special K and Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted April 24, 2015 Yeah! I'd had a few beers.. and the girlies in the lapdance club had taken their wicked way with me.... .. I jumped on the underground at Holborn, sat down and a priest sat next to me... I opened the Evening Standard, read a few headlines and asked him a question - "Say, Father - what causes arthritis?" He looked at me ( yeah, I was smelling of beer, covered in lipstick...) and said - "My Son (and he was 50 years younger than me, ffs!), my son - it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.." I muttered in response - "Well, I'll be damned!" and returned to my paper.. The priest, thinking about what he had said to me, nudged my arm and apologised - "I'm sorry" he said. " I did not mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" I answered "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope has it..." Spec K 1 Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Qu1ckn1ck 44 Report post Posted April 30, 2015 A joke that's going around the Ukraine... Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch. When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?" 3 Ztox, JamesP1991 and Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted May 25, 2015 This is straight from Scotland... Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam and the last question, worth 70 points or none at all, was "Name seven advantages of Mother's milk" One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote - 1) It is a perfect formula for a child 2) It provides immunity against several diseases 3) It is always the right temperature 4) It is inexpensive 5) It bonds the child to Mother, adn vice versa 6) It is always available when needed ... and then the student was stuck... finally, in desperation just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it He got an A Spec K 1 Qu1ckn1ck reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted June 5, 2015 The following is, I am assured, a genuine answer given by a mid-term chemistry student at the Univeristy of Arizona.. The answer was so profound his professor shared it with colleagues via the internet - hence I had the pleasure of enjoying it as well.. and I invite you to share.. " Bonus Question - is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat) ? " Most students wrote dissertations based on Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when compressed) or a variant thereof.. one student, however, wrote the following - ' First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion we can project with certainty that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proptionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities - 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose.. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.. So.. which is it..? If we accept the postulate given to me by Annabelle during my Freshman year that ".. it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.." and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night - number two must be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that, since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct.... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why, last night, Annabelle kept shouting "Oh, my God..!!" Spec K 2 Keethos and Galaxian reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Qu1ckn1ck 44 Report post Posted June 12, 2015 3 Ztox, rob275 and Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted June 14, 2015 Wait for the phone to ring for the ansaphone message. This is the actual message from the Maroochydore High School in Queensland, Australia.. http://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0 Spec K 3 Mark-in-Stoke, Qu1ckn1ck and Keethos reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mark-in-Stoke 488 Report post Posted June 14, 2015 ^^^^Brilliant^^^^^^ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted July 11, 2015 A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be a penny." "A penny?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked " How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "Five pence" the barman replied. "Five pence?" the guy exclaimed. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied "Upstairs with my wife". The man asked "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied "The same thing I am doing down here to his business". 2 Keethos and Galaxian reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted July 11, 2015 The EU has decided that all Euro notes will henceforth be printed on Greece-proof paper 2 Qu1ckn1ck and Test Drives Unlimited reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shaunharper13 23 Report post Posted July 26, 2015 How do you no that batman is a scouser ? He can't go anywhere without Robbin Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smudge 1020 Report post Posted July 27, 2015 How do you no that batman is a scouser ? He can't go anywhere without Robbin Door's that way.... 1 Ztox reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shaunharper13 23 Report post Posted July 27, 2015 Door's that way.... Hahaha was only because people were saying about different cultures thought I'd make a joke about myself Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted August 2, 2015 After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint you're probably dead.. ( indeed, I've now reached the age where "happy hour" is a nap..) The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs Do you realise that, in about 40 years, you lot will have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos..? A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep sh*t... ... and remember, politicans and nappies should be changed often and for the same reason. Spec K Always be yourself - the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter 2 Qu1ckn1ck and mike-p reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nicebiscuit 655 Report post Posted August 2, 2015 Is that supposed to only happen when you're 60? Oh dear... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted October 4, 2015 One day a father, on his way home from work, remembered it was his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and asked the sales person -" How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"The saleseperson replies -" Which one do you mean, Sir? Work-Out Barbie is £19.95, Shopping Barbie is £19.95, Beach Barbie is £19.95, Disco Barbie is £19.95, Astronaut Barbie is £19.95, Skater Barbie is £19.95 and Divorced Barbie is £249.95 "The amazed father asks - "It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie £249.95 and the others only £19.95 ?"The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs and answers -"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's House, Ken's Truck, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends"Spec K Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 442 Report post Posted November 21, 2015 I never liked shopping at Tesco's anyway . . Yesterday I was at my local Tescos store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms . . I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled by my story . .) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me . . I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. . I'm now banned from Tescos. Better watch what you ask retired people - we have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. . Spec K 1 Test Drives Unlimited reacted to this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
